I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
