i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
