we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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