good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
