I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
