So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
