the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
