Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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