adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
