My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize