They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
