Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
