Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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