I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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