you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
