you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you traded sex for a burrito?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Semen is not good for contacts.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize