This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
