They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
