i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
