Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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