Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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