I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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