I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
