i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
