I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
