no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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