Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
