I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize