Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
