Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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