I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
