I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
