Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize