her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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