Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
