I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
