Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
