Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
