she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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