is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
