You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
