Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
