My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
