He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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