sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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