I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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