Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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