pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We had to coat check the pizza.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
