You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
