No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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