Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
