I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
