how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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