So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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