I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize