We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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