your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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