I'd wear matching sweaters with you
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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