So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
