Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
