I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
