There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sobbing to NWA
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize