i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
