So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
