you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
