I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
